Solely In Black and White: Top Ten “unofficial” Rules you Might be Breaking on a Date

Tuesday, February 23, 2010

Top Ten “unofficial” Rules you Might be Breaking on a Date

(Here it is as promised. Please note: they are not exactly ground breaking and have been covered to some extent on other blogs)

Do not...

1. Arrive either Early or Late

  • Who on earth would be early for a date?!? This is still beyond me, but I have heard this can happen accidentally. Now as for late… I might know a few people.

2. Stay out too Long or too Short

  • The rules specifically state that you must be back by some archaic and arbitrarily decided time, no exceptions.

3. Monopolize the Conversation (As per Bad4's suggestion: "talk too much or too little")

  • Come on; give the other person the chance to say something. However, how much that amount is can be decided completely at your discretion.

4. Blatantly Space Out

  • Well at least fake interest!

5. Stare too Intently

  • Have you ever heard the cliché “Hey, Buddy, My Eyes are up Here?” No further explanation necessary.

6. Call your Date by their Name

  • This one might be real, dunno.

7. Self-Deprecate

8. Disobey the Rules of Proper Etiquette

  • Like not using a straw? :)

9. Make Rude Remarks or Use Inappropriate Humor (ha'myvan yovin)

  • This one is actually serious, don’t even try it.

10. Miss Door Opening Opportunities

  • You better have a really good excuse for this one and snow banks less than 2 feet high is just not going to cut it.

While I do put effort into ensuring that I don't break any of these strict rules of dating, I am only human. So do you break any of these rules?


  1. "Stay out too Long or too Short"

    How long is too long and how short is too short? I definitely break this rule. The only other one I do occasionally and unintentionally, is the self deprecating jokes, b/c I'm an idiot.

  2. I have heard that it’s officially three hours door to door, but there seems to be a few different rule books so your luck may vary. I think I also break that one since I usually go out between three and a half and four hours.

  3. I still oppose the name usage thing. I don't think you can act as though you were buddy-buddy with them, but I have used my date's name on the occasion that I've had to get her attention (such as upon first meeting her, or if we got separated in a crowd). I don't really go around calling even my best friends by their first names all the time - people can converse without the need for it. But it seems wrong to not use their name at all, beshitta, or worse, not even learn their name until the 3rd date or whatever. In short: be normal. Don't creep her out my using her name over and over in conversation, but don't go out of your way not to use her name either.

  4. I don't understand the no-name rule. You're on a date, for goodness's sake, not a business meeting.

  5. So as far as the “no-name” rule goes I have heard the following answer. Calling someone by their first name (on a date) creates artificial attraction. The purpose of Jewish dating is not to create synthetic love though romantic gestures but to build a real relationship. Whether you subscribe to the theory that calling your date by their name falls into that category or not, it’s still a personal choice.

    Personally, I have no idea; I have heard arguments both for saying your date's name and not saying it. I have even heard people differentiate exactly when in the dating process when one can or should start doing it.

    The best approach seems to be to just avoid the issue. If you don’t have to, don’t, if the situation arises (like SoF pointed out) that you do, then do it. But to use it as a tool to make someone fall for you, definitely not!

  6. I don't usually call people by their names if I'm right in front of them, I don't think it's natural. If I did, I would do it on a date only if I liked the girl.

  7. I agree with Shades. The name calling thing is ridiculous. If you need to refer to another person by their name, go ahead and do it. THAT'S WHY THEY HAVE NAMES!

    However, BJG is right. In usual conversation, using another person's name doesn't come up. Don't try to force in the name. Only if the conversation mandated it.

    The issue is that if you are a person who has a first phone call prior to the date, it is very difficult to have it without the first words being along the lines of "Hi, Devorah. This is Elchanan" (assuming those are the names involved). I don't think that creates an unnatural attraction.

  8. I've heard before the idea that addressing a person by name creates more of a bond, but I always heard it in the context of friendship. In school, we used to have these campaigns to greet people by using their names in order to form closer connections to our schoolmates. There is basis to the concept, but to say that one must never call a date by his/her name is taking it a bit too far, I think.

  9. I do agree with SiBW that addressing a person by name creates more of a bond. I once worked in this Jewish office where a married woman and a married man would refer to each other on first name basis. It was kind of disturbing to watch what was going on between them. In terms of dating, the purpose is to build a relationship so it makes sense to call each other on first name basis. Hello-we do date to get married right (too bad). Personally, I never called any of my dates by their first name. The opportunity never presented itself. However, if it does come-up GO AHEAD.

  10. I completely disagree on the first rule. Unless, you meeting at their home. Then, of course. If I meet someone new (date or not) in a public place, I try to get there at least fifteen minutes early. There's less stress and I can be sure that I have cell phone service. :)

  11. The name thing is ridiculous. You're not going out with "some girl", you're not going to marry "some girl", you're going out with a real person who has a name and an identity. Is she only a person after the third date? What is she until then? (Maybe you shouldn't answer that last question.)

    Using someone's name does not create an artificial attraction; it creates a natural relationship. If you're attracted to someone because they relate to you as you and not as "some girl" (or "some guy"), then good. Baruch Hashem.

    I'm not saying it needs to be forced in the conversation. In normal conversation, whether with my friends or with a girl, I probably don't use names all that often. But when greeting someone, or any other time when it is natural in a conversation, to davka avoid it simply absurd.

  12. Ha, I see I'm on your blogroll there. Big-up yourself man! Respect! ...but in G-d's holy name man, I'm not a "Dating J-Blog"! I mean, I mention it, but I'm no "Bad4".

    About the post: Like the others, I disagree with much of it.

    2. If you stay out with her longer than necessary it's an important show of interest and affection.

    5. I find even eye-contact to be disorienting.

    6. The main thing is not to create awkwardness. Refraining from referring to them by name at all can create awkwardness. From personal experience all I can say is I greatly enjoy being referred to by name, and I'd feel a bit of spite to a date who refused me that. Anyway, I only use people's names when I'm getting a bit stern with them. : )

    7. Since most of these girls truly think they're G-d's gift to humanity, to me there's nothing that's more of a turn-on than a girl who's refreshingly honest and willing to admit she's not perfect..

  13. @ Shlomo:

    Fixed. Sorry, I thought you were an expert. ;)

    2. But what if she isn’t having a good time and mealy faking interest?

    7. You’re going to have to take that one up with Bad4. :)


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