Solely In Black and White: Chilling with the Boys and Chossonzillias

Sunday, March 28, 2010

Chilling with the Boys and Chossonzillias

One nice thing about bein hazmanim, at least for us boys, is catching up with our friends who during the year are scattered about. I know, I know; I probably should be helping out more with the cooking and cleaning other than hanging out with friends and writing news posts. Then again this is technically my vacation time so a little fun is in order.  Don’t worry, after this post I am getting back to work ASAP.

Anyway, other bloggers seem to lament about their newly engaged friends turning into the infamous sub-human species known as “Bridezillas.” With the amount of money being spent of drug research nowadays you’d think they’d have found a cure already.  Unfortunately not, it seems that the bridezilla virus is unstoppable, or at least so I am told. Thankfully, being an uncommitted male, I don’t have to worry about these things yet.

However, the good news is that after much research and observation, I am happy to report that there is no such thing as a chossanzilla, or at least they are doing an incredible job at hiding it. It might be possible that my most recent samples have yet to display the full effects of the disease thus far since they haven’t gotten their chossan watches yet.  While this theory of delayed manifestation might be true for kallahs, like that short period of time before one get her rings, but I highly doubt that is the case for these chossanim. Besides, I have viewed enough “test” subjects to know that the “chossanzilla” at its worst isn’t all that bad.

Nonetheless, there are some similarities between the two. The first resemblance between the newly minted kallah and her chossan is that glowing smile. There seems to be another common feature that these chossanim seem to have with their female counterparts: a texting malady! No jokes.  They are super-glued to their phones. Even though this habit can be is a tad rude, it does make for some interesting conversation, especially when they keep chiming in with “hey, guess what my kallah just told me.” I guess it takes two to tango; or in this case text. Seriously, we had to institute a “no phone zone" for a time. Even during our electronics time-out I think he was twitching his fingers. Trigger happy maybe? ;)

So there you have it. You can now roam the streets, shtibels, and other venues where the chossanzilla can be found knowing full well that you will not be attacked. As for their female counterparts, you’re on your own.  :)

Wishing everyone a Chag Kosher V'Sameach!


  1. SiBW, this is my favorite post. Hilarious!!!!
    I think I'm going to start using "chossonzilla"....then again, maybe not because my NEF [newly engaged friend(s)] probably wouldn't appreciate it!

    In all seriousness, it only makes more sense that "bridezillas" are more common than "chatanzillas" (chossonzillas) because we females are generally more emotional and want our wedding to be perfect!! Plus, we have more to worry about: dress, hair, make-up, bridesmaids, hilchot nidda, etc.
    Both have to worry about invitations, hall, seating, food, DJ/Band, mechitzah, the mesader kiddushim, etc.

  2. Makes sense, guys are so much more normal.

  3. @Sefardi Gal: Thanks, glad you enjoyed. Since the time this post there have been a few new creations of the chossonzilla. Pending further research and observation an updated version may be in making.

    Those reasons seem to explain the how, not the why. Is there really no other way?

    @SIS: I assume that statement was made only within the stated context of this post. ;)

    Yeah, I like the new look too; so much easier to read. Although I like the smileys more. :)

    @Both SIS and Sefardi Gal: Do you anticipate that you will turn into a bridezilla?

  4. I think there's a different way. I don't think the details are an excuse.

    Don't assume; I'm deciding that more and more as time goes on. I've already been accused by one friend of abandoning my own gender.

    The smileys are different?

    I anticipate nothing. I have no idea. :-) I just looked at that linked post to get the definition, and bridesapien is okay? Bridezilla is the freak-out girl? Then no, I don't anticipate that. Just can't see it. Will I care that things should be decent? Probably. Will there be tears? Probably. But babbling incessantly about everything going on....nope. I think I have more seichel and sensitivity than that, and it's just not my speed.

  5. Then that really is a bold proclamation. I’m surprised you weren’t lynched for a statement like that! :-O I don’t think either gender can be classified as more normal, but I would agree that stereotypes such as bridezillas do help your argument.

    Yup, you can now use Yahoo Messenger Emoticons.

    If I learned anything, it’s always easier to talk about something theoretical than to actually deal with it. Nonetheless, it sounds like you have a good grasp on the subject. I hope you are put to the test in the near future.

  6. Maybe guys are just better at hiding their abnormality ;-) You need to convince yourself that neither one is more normal because you have to marry a Venusian. :-P

    That link doesn't work.

    Of course! That's why I started with the first two sentences. I really don't know what will be, and I'm not going to make any flippant statements ("I'm never gonna be like that!") because it's stupid and it can come back to bite me. I just would like to hope that at this point, when it does happen, I'll have the maturity and appreciation not to completely lose it. And amein!

  7. Maybe you’re doing the same for your Martian. :P

    Whoops, the link should be:

    Even so, it seems that the bridezilla malady is only temporary. Don’t worry, we would never hold you to any flippant statements you might have made, but we might hold you to your comments… :)

  8. LOL. Very good point! Why didn't that occur to me?

    Still not working, but maybe it's me. I'll try again another time.

    Uh oh....time to do the cave retreat. ;) But hey, once I'm engaged, I probably won't give a hoot what I'm being held to :)

  9. I think not, it seems your smileys are working just fine. :D

    That’s the spirit! :> Don’t worry; you don’t have to answer to anyone in the blogosphere, :-$ although you may have to answer to your chossan if he finds this post. By the way, have you ever been confronted about your blog on a date?

  10. Right, they're working, but your link is not working. Does the link have the list of how to make the smileys?

    Wait, what am I going to be embarrassed about in front of my chosson in my post? What did I say? Hopefully there won't be secrets from him...Btw, does bridezilla mean floating above the clouds, or does bridezilla mean freak-out? I'm trying to figure out what I would be. :)

    I don't want to jinx myself by answering that question, but so far so good. I really try pretty hard to keep my identity under wraps. If that would happen c"v, the floor really really would need to swallow me up.

  11. I know. I can’t fix the link above; blogger doesn’t let me edit comments. I posted a new link above the comment box that lists how to make the smileys. Let me know if that works.

    I am not an expert on bridezillas, but I think it’s the freaking-out one. I think most engaged people are floating above the sky to some extent. Theoretically, if you would have never commented you could have been a bridezilla and no one, your chossan included, would know otherwise. But now we have evidence to use against you, just in case you turn into one. :)

  12. That link doesn't work either.

    Oh, so I get it. I innocently answer a question and then it gets used against me. No fair. Okay fine, so if I'm allowed to float above the clouds, then I don't think I'll have a problem. This is all very theoretical of course, as these claims aren't likely to be tested anytime soon, but who knows?

  13. Really? I tried it in IE, Firefox, and Chrome and on two other computers and I have yet to have a problem. I’ll play with the link latter. Try this for now, type into Google: yahoo emoticons. Thereafter, click on the first link.

    Yup. Didn’t anyone read you your blogger Miranda rights? ;) If at some point you do run into this problem, you can always delete your comments… but I doubt that is necessary, as you said “I don’t think I’ll have a problem.”

  14. Thanks. I know of him, but I don't "know" him. This comment will also be deleted... although email might be a better solution cuz the comments are "on the feed" too.

  15. I didn't mean know know him, just that you've heard of his blog. What needs to be solved? Oh, you mean originally?

  16. I know what you meant… No, what I meant was just like there is a feed for the site that cannot be easily deleted, there is a feed for comments as well… Don’t worry though, I don’t think there are any comment feed subscribers.

  17. Sorry, little misunderstanding here. I was a little confused at first about what I should be emailing about, but then I realized you meant that I should've emailed that piece of information instead of putting it here. In any case, it's not like a state secret or anything, I just didn't feel like making it part of the post. How do you know who subscribed to the comment feed?

  18. I don’t know who, but feedburner tells me some basic stat info for the comment's rss feed.


You can use some basic HTML tags as well as these emoticons. If you wish to comment anonymously, please use the Name/URL option and give yourself a unique title. You can leave the URL field blank if you wish. Thanks for your comment. Enjoy.