I have this enigma that has been bothering me for a while: Where did the sympathetic second date come from? After rereading some of the “First Date Project” responses it seemed apparent that giving a second date has become more of common practice or an accepted chessed than I originally thought. I also realized that this problem has another facet that is equally jarring. Shadchunim, based on this misnomer, pressure people to go on a second date even when there is no way it’s going to work.
Okay, I understand if you’re the type of person who is irresolute and would prefer an extra date to figure things out, or even if you’re decisive, but you would like a second date to elucidate all doubts, fine. My quandary is with those people who are decisive, unwavering, and experienced daters (hopefully, I’ll write a post to define this someday) who are able to ascertain their interest in the other party by half-time of the first date, yet give a second date regardless. Why is this?
To me this seems illogical. If after going out on a first date you feel a second date is warranted, then say yes to a second date, if not, do not. It goes without saying I mean this within reason; the objective is not to find some insignificant fault to either overanalyze or nitpick about and say no, that would be counterproductive. There is nothing wrong with going on a second date to clarify your doubts. But if you’re relatively certain that in the end it just won’t work out between the two of you, or even if you’re just not that interested in the other person, what are you waiting for? Do you really believe that delaying the inevitable by one date is doing the other person a favor?
I hope you have enjoyed my arguments and I encourage you to disagree and form your own opinions. I should inform you that after some preliminary real-life campaigning I have convinced a few people to join the ranks and now they are extolling the virtues of the “one and done.” Nonetheless, like everything else in shidduchim, use common sense and utilize whatever method works best for you, except where the rules dictate otherwise ;). If you’d like you can join the crusade to abolish the sympathetic second date and raise the flag of “one and done” or not. However, if you intend on practicing as a shadchun guided with the notion of second dates for everyone, you better be prepared to put up a good fight. (As an aside, some shadchunim have and I have lost a few battles, unfortunately the fight continues.)
“Older” Girls at 22
1 year ago