Solely In Black and White: Question: Bashert

Tuesday, June 15, 2010

Question: Bashert

Being an audience of smart people, unless you subscribed to the notion that the internet makes your dumber, (:-P okay, just kidding) maybe you can answer a question that I have been pondering: Can one do something which will cause them to mess-up either meeting or marrying their bashert? Is that even possible? If the person one is supposed to marry is set, then by logical extension is it even feasible that one can make a mistake?  Can saying no for frivolous reasons lead to a quick life sentence of misery. Okay, that last question was a bit over dramatic, but the question still stands, do wrong choices have consequences in regards to ones bashert?     


  1. My Rov once gave a speech and delved into the question of why, if everyone has a bas kol come out at the time of their birth announcing their zivug, are there so many people searching for their bashert, not finding them, or suffering in unhappy marriages.
    He said that everybody is given an opportunity to join with their bashert but not everybody takes the chance. (You've heard the joke about the man on the roof in the flood... and they send the boats and the choppers, right?... if not, tell me and I'll post it....)
    So I suppose yes - he was saying that wrong choices DO impact one's "bashert"

  2. Rabbi Yisroel Reisman says many have passed up on their basherts, going back centuries, for frivolous reasons.

    So yeah, be very afraid.

  3. This question implies that we each have a bashert- one person who we are destined to marry no matter what. It's interesting that you posted this- I just posted on a similar topic

    I don't think everyone necessarily has one person who they are destined to marry, but I do think our actions affect when/if and who we marry. "If the person one is supposed to marry is set"- it's not set, but we can mess things up. However, if someone doesn't get married, it doesn't mean that there was someone they were supposed to marry and they messed it up, we don't know Hashems reasons.

  4. There is that famous story (with the Steipler, I think) where an aging bochur went to get a bracha to meet his bashert. The Steipler answered that he had already met her, but thought her nose was a little too long, and thus didn't marry her.

    I think the way my rabbeim explained it was that we are all given the chance to meet and potentially go out with/marry our bashert. But we certainly do have the choice not to. It doesn't mess with the overall hashgacha pratis of how the world runs since G-d has the "big picture" firmly in development. So it doesn't matter if us little pieces make wrong move here or there, since the overall end result will be the way He wants it to be.

  5. Bitachon means trusting that when you close one door, G-d will help you open another, but the second one might not come as easily as the first.


  6. from what I have learnt it depends on what girsaot you have in the gemara sotah where it talks about the "seven zivugim".
    My personal understanding is that it is based on how well you and your zivug match up to fill the bar in each of the 7 basic character traits and its up to you to find the best match in all 7

  7. This is probably my biggest fear when it comes to shidduchim. How am I supposed to know who "The One" is? The only answer that satisfies me is that Hashem is in control, He can and will do anything and if He wants me to end up with a certain guy, then I will. I am certainly not looking to sabotage my chances or judging based on noses, so I have to believe I'm doing my best.Other than that, I do believe that there is more than one person out there one can be compatible with.

  8. @Everyone:
    Thanks for all your comments and perspectives. I think I may have to write a post on my idea of what bashert and bitachon mean to me, but for the most part I agree with most of what has been written here.

    No, I haven’t heard the joke, what is it?

  9. [Deep breath...] OK, here goes -
    A guy's town is flooding and he is warned by the police to evacuate.
    "No", he says, "I have bitachon. I will be fine. Hashem will save me".
    As the flood waters rise, he climbs on to the roof of his house. A rowboat comes by. He refuses to get in. "Hashem will save me", he insists. An hour later a chopper hovers overhead, but again he repeats his mantra and waves off the chopper. Eventually the floodwaters rise even more and he drowns.
    He arrives up in Heaven and he exclaims to Hashem. "Why didn't you save me? I had SUCH bitachon!!!"
    Hashem responds, "What do you mean, I didn't save you? Who do you think sent the police, the boat and the chopper???"
    {We must all learn to recognize Hashem's guidance}

  10. I honestly feel that we shouldn't go around thinking that might mess up and not marry our "bashert." Not to say I haven't experienced the "But maybe he's my bashert" syndrome. I have, and it's beyond annoying and tormenting. I think that we should all make an effort to be more open-minded (myself included), yet we shouldn't have this mindset chronically. I think its an expression of lack of confidence-or maybe its just our mothers getting too us :-)


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