Solely In Black and White: The Story of Snow White: Part 1

Wednesday, June 30, 2010

The Story of Snow White: Part 1



Continuing in the theme of childhood stories that need to be rewritten to educate the children with regards to shidduchim; I present to you: Snow White (and the Seven {dwarf} Shidduch Dates). A special thanks to The Brothers Grimm, The Official Proofreader, and others, respectively, for their help with this endeavor. Commentary and addendums can be found in the parentheses. 








Part 1


          Once upon a time, a queen sat sewing (one of her favorite hobbies, believe it or not) at her open window. She pricked her finger with her needle and three drops of blood fell on the snow that had fallen on her ebony window frame. As she looked at the blood on the snow, she said to herself, “Oh, how I wish that I had a daughter that had skin white as snow, lips red as blood, and hair black as ebony.” Soon thereafter, the queen gave birth to a baby girl (wouldn't it be nice if all our wishes came true that easily?) who had skin white as snow, lips red as blood, and hair black as ebony. They named her Princess Snow White (aka: Shayne Weiss). Sadly, as soon as the child was born, the queen died of sepsis. (Maybe getting ones' wish has some consequences after all…?) 

          Meanwhile, the king of the city One Over from There (strange names they had in these fairy tales) took a new wife for himself after a nasty divorce. The queen was immensely beautiful but also very vain. This Queen gave birth to an equally pretty baby girl, but the child inherited her mother’s vanity as well. They named her The Evil Princess, because it was so befitting. (See, they really did have strange names!) At her bas-mitzvah, the child received the all powerful, magical mirror that answered any question. She often asked: "Mirror, mirror on the wall, who in the land is fairest of all?" to which the mirror always replied, "you, my princess, is fairest of all." But when Snow White reached the age of nineteen (after she came back from seminary and started dating), she metamorphosed into a girl as beautiful as the day, and when The Evil Princess asked her mirror, its new response was: "princess, you are full fair, 'tis true, but Snow White is fairer than you." (Though in another version, the mirror simply replied: "Snow White is the fairest of them all." Regardless, The Evil Princess did not like shidduch competition!) 

          The Evil Princess became immensely jaded and jealous, and ordered a huntsman, masquerading as a potential date for Snow White, to take her on a picnic (as folklore goes, it was either bad research that got him that date or he just had some wonderful references, perhaps he hired someone to seduce her, though they didn't have internet in those days...), into the woods to be scarred and maimed. “With Snow White rendered imperfect, I shall be the fairest in all the shidduch land” snarled The Evil Princess. She demanded that the huntsman, as proof of harming Snow White, return with part of her nose. The huntsman took Snow White into the forest for a date, but after raising his knife to stab her, he found himself unable to complete the task. (She really was pretty and a good date to boot, but he couldn’t continue because that would have been a conflict of interest.) Instead, he let her go, telling her to flee and hide from The Evil Princess. He then brought the nose of a young deer to The Evil Princess, which was prepared (fully according to halacha) by the cook and eaten by The Evil Princess. (Delicious!) 

          In the forest, Snow White discovered a tiny cottage belonging to a well-known shadchan. There, the shadchan took pity on her, saying, "if you will keep house for me, cook, make beds, wash, sew, nit, and keep everything clean and orderly, then you can stay here, and you shall be redt shidduchim." (See in the olden days, people used to work hard for their dates!) Being that she was stuck in the forest, she was forced to go out with whatever was available to her, which incidentally, turned out to be seven dwarfs. (Yeah, it sucks to live out-of-town!) The shadchan warned her to take care and stay away from the evil mountain shadchanim. Meanwhile, The Evil Princess asked her mirror once again, "Who's the fairest of them all?", and was horrified to learn that Snow White is not only alive and well, but she got seven dates in one month and is still the fairest of them all. (Seriously, how many girls get 7 yeses in a month?!) 


 To be continued… in Part 2 and Part 3

6 comments:

  1. The Official Proofreader accepts no responsibility for any errors or imprecision in the content of the post, especially considering that the author edited it AFTER this was proofread. Any additional mistakes are the sole responsibility of the author and publisher.

    (My pleasure.)

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  2. Yet another cute story :-). Holding my breath for an exciting ending! Please don't make me keep it in too long.

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  3. @The Official Proofreader:
    As always, thanks for all your help. Yes, ultimately, I take full responsibility for any and all errors. ;-)

    @halfshared:
    Thanks. Glad you enjoyed. I hope you can hold your breath for a bit. I haven’t even started part 2 yet!

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  4. I already broke David Blaine's record but I gave up after that. Take your time :-).

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  5. Naturally, the shadchan has her shadchanus in advance- all that housekeeping! (though i'm not sure a princess would be very good at any of that...SO the shadchan may ask for some moola shmoola in addition!)I thouroughly enjoyed reading this post (and the rest of the blog) keep up the good work (am eagerly anticipating part 2)

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  6. @mmmmchocolate :-) :

    Ah, what a delectable screen name!

    See the shadchan was smart; she gets free services regardless of what or who she redts Snow White to! (Seven Dwarfs?!… :-) )

    Thanks! :-D

    ReplyDelete

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