Solely In Black and White: An Engaged’s Lost Friends?

Monday, September 20, 2010

An Engaged’s Lost Friends?

Toy Love

There is a known phenomenon which occurs when one gets engaged: they hemorrhage friends. The use of the word hemorrhage is quite succinct really; it’s a slow trickle and progression… While this fact of life is nothing new, it is an interesting eventuality of getting engaged and ultimately married. I am not the first one to blog about this topic either. This actuality has been chronicled in many blog posts and stories. Although I don’t know which friends I am going to unwillingly be distanced from yet, it remains a sad thought that this dynamic has to happen. Granted, there are ways to minimize the loss or the severity of one’s impending fallout, but let’s face it, once you’re married other consideration and priorities take precedence, as they rightfully should, and one’s focus on their friends will ultimately suffer. But then again, this is a two-way street as well, and I can remember being on the other side the median. It is also something that even if one is cognizant about, they are still somewhat helpless to control.

Anyway, the point of interest I wished to add this topic was that science has actually done a study on said phenomenon. Researchers from
Oxford University concluded that falling in love costs on average two close friends from one’s core circle of friends.

Single women often complain that their girlfriends, who were once as close as sisters, dump them when they find a new guy. They're left hurt, upset and bewildered. Whatever happened to sisterhood, they wonder? 

Based on this report, however, it seems to be a matter of simple arithmetic: You can't add a consuming new romance and keep your other tight-knit relationships at the same number and level of intensity---and this phenomenon isn't limited to women. 

The research team found that men and women are equally at risk of losing two close friends when they get involved with a new romance. After that, they're left with four remaining friends, on average, one of them being the new person that has come into their life. 
Article Link

"If you don't see people, your emotional engagement with them drops off and does so quickly. What I suspect is that your attention is so wholly focused on the romantic partner you don't get to see the other folks you had a lot to do with before, and so some of those relationships start to deteriorate." 

In a separate study, Dunbar's team looked at how men and women maintained friendships on the social networking website Facebook. They found that women's Facebook friends were more often friends from everyday life that they spent time with, while men tended to collect as many friends as they could, even if they hardly knew them. 
Article Link


  1. so when i get engaged according to the rules i have to lose two close friends? and keep 4?
    how many close friends does one have already?!

    well i guess i'll have to wait to see how this plays out..but i sincerely believe that if someone has friends who are important to her..she'll make it an effort to keep them.

  2. If my math serves me correctly, and if I understood the article(s) properly, a person has an inner circle of close friends, called their core friends, that consists of a maximum of five people. When one gets engaged and or married, not only do they replace one person from the five, they knock out two, thus leaving three close friends. Of course this is all theory and statistical extrapolation based on a researched sample, but I think the premise basically holds true.

    Maybe; I hope you prove the article wrong in the near future, but I can tell you from some of my limited experience both from my own and that of my friends, it’s quite hard to dispel the theory or at least the notion.

  3. If you know all the right tricks, you can get a leg up, and have a better shot at remaining in the inner circle.

  4. obviously, there are people who you are not that close to yea you don't make the effort to keep the connection. But if it someone who is a close friend..its against BFF etiquette to ditch someone. u still need friends even your married. (this i all very theoretical having no personal experience)


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