Solely In Black and White: Will you be my New Best Reference?

Monday, November 15, 2010

Will you be my New Best Reference?

Mutual Friends

I find it humorous that since my engagement I have become a shidduch resume commodity. I am not really sure what changed in my conversation abilities or personality, but for some reasons I have received a lot more requests for shidduch info than ever before. I’ve have also got a few request to be a “paper” reference too; you know, the type that people add to resumes under the assumption that no one will call most of the references solely based on the idea that they listed an inordinate amount of friends and no one in their right mind would call every single one… ;-) Okay, maybe not, I have had plenty of people call every single one of my listed references, but I digress.

I’m starting to think that people, both my single friends and their potential in-laws, prefer talking to engaged or married people. All things being equal, there must be some logical explanation, because single people probably have more time to field these questions and in most cases are probably closer to the person in question anyway! Perhaps these people believe that we (I?) know something about shidduchim and dating, and thus they are more likely to provide objective and concise answers. Not that I believe that is true, I think I was able to provide equally unnerving answers to many of the asinine questions that people were able to must. (example: would he be the type of boy to wear shorts during a chol hamoid trip only after he had a seder before doing whatever it is he is doing? Of course, but it must be after davening and only if the shorts are polka-dotted… Seriously, I’ve gotten a modified version of that question!) The other thought that crossed my mind was, once someone gets engaged, they are no longer in the shidduch scene, they are no long competing and thus they have the ability to provide an unbiased and uninhibited viewpoint since they are no longer “competing” with anyone else. 

Personally, I haven’t heard of boys trying to sell themselves to their friend’s potential dates at the expense of their friend’s reputation and dignity. However, I do know of girls who do! I am not trying to say girls are generally more catty than boys, but my mother can attest that some people don’t choose the best, brightest, and nicest people to promote themselves on their shidduch resumes to say the least… I mean I could be wrong, but to the best of my knowledge I don’t think boys commonly do that. 

Does that make any sense? Is there any reason why engaged and married folk, particularly of the male variety, would make for better shidduch resume references?


  1. Not that I agree with any of this, but I suppose that many think that marriage brings about a special "status." You're somebody once you're married. Before that, you might have an agenda of jealously or whatever.

    People call the friend references. I didn't think that they do -- but apparently, they do. On the bright side: these friends are my close they let me know what kind of questions are asked :D

  2. Speaking from experience of a recently married person - my wife has gotten a bazillion calls for friends' reference lists. It is really, really annoying. There needs to be a clause that recently married friends are taken OFF of lists for shana rishona, IMHO.

  3. They do call the references... every single one of them.
    My friends, unsure and questioning when dating, become the most self-assured and confident people once engaged and married. The dating process that you once cursed while undergoing it, has suddenly become worth your while once that ring is on your finger.

  4. I was called as a reference the day of my vort. The first question was, "Are you single?". I proudly said, "No, I'm engaged. Actually, my vort is today." I don't blame her for wanting to know, I've heard too many stories of people sabotaging shidduchim, unfortunately.


  5. No clue, but to take a guess (not that it's right) - they're worried a single might be insulted by a question, whereas a married person, because they might "appreciate" why such a question matters more, would be more willing to answer. Dunno, just throwing it out there.


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