Solely In Black and White: Top 10 Things I’ve Learned from Purim as a Married Person

Tuesday, April 5, 2011

Top 10 Things I’ve Learned from Purim as a Married Person


As promised, here is my purim write-up. On the whole, purim is quite different once you’re married. It’s fun in a different sort of way. I really should give my wife a lot of credit since she wholeheartedly allowed me to drink to my heart’s (or stomach’s, maybe my liver’s too) content although once you read this post you won’t wonder why… 

Costumed Geeks

10. Contrary to popular belief, married men can get drunk with their wives’ blessing. Unfortunately, this year much to my dismay I did not succeed in getting drunk. I tried, but it didn’t work. Being that I am an inexperienced drinker b”h I made a very egregious mistake, I started off drinking vanilla extracts. Hey, it seemed like a good idea at the time! It smells delicious, it’s high in alcohol content, it’s safe for human consumption, it costs roughly the same amount as top shelf/upper tier liquor, and we just happened to have an inordinate amount of it lying around at the moment. Unfortunately, and much to my detriment, my stomach did not agree with this logical argument and decided that vanilla is best kept in the kitchen, specifically the sink, not inside me. At first my wife was dismayed at having a vomiting husband upchucking in her sink, but somehow humor permeates all, and she had a lovely line for my sink christening activities: “you know… I always thought I’d be the first one to vomit in the kitchen sink.”

9. Drunkenness brings out people’s true colors. While it is said and believed that wine goes in and out comes secretes, inebriation can show a lot more. Primarily, how a drunken man acts towards his wife and children when drunk is a reflection of what is going on inside their head and home. It sort of sweet to see how adoring some of these fellows can be. It’s also a bewildering sight to behold. You should see the look on their little kids faces…. Priceless. This is especially cute when a grown man shares the same fascination with a cupcake as their adorable 3 year-olds. Oh, and similarly, drunken men seemingly have the same bathroom etiquette and aiming skills as three year olds… I’m just saying….

8. But the true stars of the show are the wives, most of whom do not get enough credit. Apparently, the way a wife takes care of her husband when he’s drunk can also be a reflection of her relationship with her husband and possibly how good of a mother she really is. Basically, you can easily tell which wives really help, care for, and worry about their husbands and to what extent. At the onset, I expected to find that the longer one is married the less their wife would tend to their husband’s purim drinking activities, but the observational data did not support that conclusion. I guess it true, behind every drunk man there is a sober women… right? :-)

7. Hosting a purim seudah in which men are drinking heavily is a death sentence…. for the carpet that is… and maybe hours and hours of clean-up too! I am starting to think of strategies on how not to host one of those. Perpetual purim seudah crashers? I guess it depends on who you invite, but looking at the crowed this year I think it might be a challenge. I mean some of these fellows were so farshnikered, they couldn’t differentiate between the muffins and roast! Granted, they did look and taste the smelled the same (nasty flavored) but that’s beside the point, I think?! Maybe I can stall for a few years… Here’s to wishful thinking… :-(

6. I’m going to go out on a limb and suggest that females enjoy shalach manos at least as much or more than the amount we males enjoy getting drunk. Come on, you know I’m right… ;-)

5. Wives’ seemingly can get away with dressing up their husbands and babies in the most ludicrous of costumes with complete impunity and we, both the children and grown children, can’t really do anything to stop them… :-/ (As a side note, I had no qualms with this year’s costume theme :-). I think it fit my persona quite well. However, if my sources are to be believed, as well as what I’ve seen walking around out there this year and in the past, a lot of men aren’t so lucky….:-( )

4. Time consuming, home-made, and Intricately themed shalach manos has got to be one of the biggest wastes of time. It’s got to be up there with blogging, or maybe facebook, I am still unsure where it ranks :-). And that’s without even taking into account cost, although I don’t think it was all that much. Granted, it’s rewarding and fun to deliver a truly well made shalach monas, but at least from my perspective, the pain is not worth the gain. Philosophically, I think we can agree that finding a happy medium is the key to happiness…

3. There really needs to be standardized system for “giving” shalach manos to people who you really don’t need or want to give, but you must because of social mores…. Like the in-laws (just kidding :-) ) …. I mean former friends and rabbiem who you haven’t kept up with and the like

2. People give the strangest items for shalach manos. Predominately, most of our umm spoils of shalach manos war got thrown away or is in the process of being given away. I always found it strange that purim is so close to pesach, yet our shalach manos contains so much stuff we don’t need. I am not advocating a pesachdic shalach manos, but it seems that a lot of otherwise good food, candy, can chocolate will be thrown out just because of pesach, but, perhaps that is not purim’s fault.

1. Although I partially derided our shalach manos above because they consumed so much time, I came to an alternatively wonderfully conclusion as well. Giving shalach manos to people really makes them feel special; especially when you go out of your way to do it. In a way it seems sort of trivial, but who would have thought that a small trinket of food can make someone else feel so good? In the end, I can say the end justified the means, but there is something truly rewarding about getting a heartfelt thank you upon delivering your shalach manos. It is wonderful to fulfill the mitzvah just as it was intended to be fufilled….


1 comment:

  1. Interesting post! Nice to hear about it from the married perspective.
    And it sounds like you have supportive wife. If my husband threw up in the sink, I'm not sure how I'd react...I might even get "sick" myself. Oy.

    Okay, a few points:
    1. I've heard that the mitzvah of getting drunk only includes wine. Not beer, vanilla liquor, whiskey, etc.
    That's just something to look into/keep in mind :P
    2. I'm a female and enjoy shlach manot. Love making them!
    (The eating part isn't bad, either!)
    3. I really is almost ironic that we have so much chametz from Purim right before Pesach. I'd say the solution is to recycle the candy into your own shlach manot and to eat the stuff that you like ASAP and incorporate it into your daily diet schedule until Pesach.
    (For ex, I don't like sugar-filled gum, like bazooka bubble gum, so I just packed a bunch in my bag to give to my friends tomorrow.)
    4. Funny costumes are the best. The typical ones are so boring!


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